Bald Man - OUT

I've lived with my madman of a roomate, ole boy Neil, for over one year. Like me, Neil takes comfort in his routine, but unlike me, this usually consists of spending a whole lot of time at home. Yesterday, for the very first time, a very nervous Neil took off to Mexico, my custom travel checklist in hand. And for the first time since I moved in early last year, I find myself alone in the apartment. What does one do with this free time?? It's as if I've been raising a child for years, and for the first time, I have a weekend to do whatever I want.  

I'm so unacquainted with the silence, the absence of a steady tv buzz, of breakfast in bed and just, the presence of another individual in small quarters - that it feels like a new adventure, almost like traveleing abroad alone for the first time. So far this morning, I've found a few ways to navigate through this unfamiliarity:

9:45am -  Springing out of bed, limping across the room towards my leg brace and once intact, dancing around in my oversized boy underwear. We all know the scene from Charlie's Angels.

10:00am - Blasting of KT Tunstall, The Cranberries and Annie Lenox 

10:15am - Consumption of almost an entire pot of coffee. I...forgot...I...was...only...making...for...one!!!

10:17am - Perhaps a product of the above liquid consumption, I've now taken to cleaning everything in sight. No lampshades, window sills, clock radios or carpet stains have been spared. 

The adventures of Reb & Reb will surely ensue. Stay tuned.

Deafening Silence

Somebody told me recently that I was an oxymoron.

Clearly I know the definition of this overused "smart" word, but examining the true meaning of the term made me think. Oxymoron, by definition according to dictionary.com is said to be: "A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a mournful optimist." And in briefly recounting the past week of my life...I'm beginning to worry.

Last weekend, my Saturday took me from the luxurious waters of The Phoenician Resort - one of the two five star resorts in Arizona - to a roller derby match at 19th Avenue and Van Buren. For those of you that don't know, this is a prostitute laden area of Phoenix.

The crowd that rallied together to see the women compete was stupefying: from innocent-looking soccer moms, to grunge rocker chicks, to gay men, to the mentally challenged and disabled (I, of course, fall into this final category). There must have been 2-3,000. For ROLLER DERBY. But despite the diversity, everyone seemed to be there for the same reason: to see some carnage.

And blissful carnage did we see. With contendors that go by the likes of "Jenna Talls," "Mary Lou Bodomy," "The Midnight Choker," and my personal favorite, "Nacho Girlfriend," - what would you expect? Elbows, rollerskating over flesh and violent expulsion from the ring. Oh happy incongruous day. And happy contradictory weekend.

During the work weeks, I find myself no less oxymoronic: part smiling account executive, part serial killer investigator. Or part handicap, part "Knockout" champ. Part "I like to have my car door opened for me" and part one-of-the-guys. Part put together, and part broken. Part Neil Diamond, part Ja Rule.
This weekend proved to be no different in the manner of Miss Oxymoron. A Friday night of intense, shit-talking Yahtzee on my patio, and Saturday morning and afternoon at the zoo learning to catch and protect the desert tortouise species with the Arizona Game & Fish Department and then wandering around for hours cursing the obese and ice-cream-stained-face species.

I'll take it to the people. Oxymoron, or just moron?

Happy Mother's Day

Ahem...

...Neil Diamond,
...Deliliah and Easy Listening,
...Running,
...OCD Cleaning Habits,
...Coffee with Creamer,
...Hard Headed & Stubborn,
...Michael Bolton and
...Independence

And the list keeps getting longer.

Thank you, mama.

A Dreamer Indeed

Recounting the confines of my resting mind. Coming right at you from last night's slumber:

The Crash:

Entering through the back door of an unfamiliar advertising agency, my coworker and I searched for a guy named Tim. We weaved through the office, pausing only momentarily for him to pull me into what would be his new office. He was so proud of it, and ran his hands boastfully along the mahogany desk. The office was spacious, clean and very corporate. It was exactly what he wanted.

But something didn't fit.

We left the same way we came - through the back door. We got into his car, and as he fired up the engine and put it in drive, we started rolling backwards. I yelled at him, "I told you not to park here; it's too steep!"

I had warned him, but he didn't listen.

Faster and faster, we shot down this mountain backwards and I close my eyes. I acknowledge that we're going to crash, and I close my eyes and brace myself.

Lying in a pool of my own blood and unsure of how mangled I might be, I looked around, waiting to move or crawl out. I didn't know how extensive the damage was, and I didn't want to know.

Sky driving:

I was trying to leave my sister's house, and the wind was blowing crazy hard. I sat in my tiny electric car in her driveway, and each time I tried to pull out, the wind would blow harder, pushing my car into the other cars in the driveway. I was powerless.

When I finally pulled away, I was weaving through teensy streets, around sharp corners and switchback-like hills. I came upon a bridge made of wood slats, and it shot straight up. Shifting down, I inched upward, struggling to reach the top. Once I crested the peak, I found myself thousands of feet in the sky. The road was partially supported by narrow metal tracks and partially supported by absolutely nothing. I kept driving, terrified as I approached each part of the road without support. And as I sped forward, I could see the whole city glimmering ahead of me. The bridge bent and curved, taking me past the city's attractions and skyscrapers. The whole view of Columbus presented itself in front of me and around each turn, I could see into family's windows and into their lives.

All I could think, was what a truly great, and amazing city it really was.

Guac Off

Let the coworkers shake in their boots...the guac off begins at 4:30!