Three Days To Go: Discord to my Familiar Framework

In a mere three days, I'll be on a plane headed to Panama - on my way to meet a side of my family I've only heard about growing up, and to a land I've been told stories of and which makes up a good part of my father's childhood. As I become more and more excited as the departure date nears, I've simultaneously become more and more anxious. And the more and more I become a woman on the edge.

It's about a lot of things. For one, taking three weeks off of a job that requires every ounce of my free time makes for a level of preparation that mirrors that of a true workaholic. It doesn't help that most days, I'm a staff of one, running the state tourism association. The limited amount of guidance I receive is from a bedridden board chair recovering from intense back surgery or a scattered woman who would sooner give you love instead of a budget. What further doesn't help, is that our largest industry event falls an abrupt six weeks from today. So speaking from a work standpoint alone, leaving at this particular time seems insane.

And then there's the fact that I'm homeless. Last week, I placed all of my belongings in storage and I've been residing on my coworker's couch. When I get back from Panama, I'll be returning to her couch only to have five days to find a place to live... in the midst of preparing for my crazy tourism dinner.

Excessively occupied has taken on a new dimension. The fact that my life comes with an impulsive and uncontrollable need to keep all of my ducks in a row (get your shit done at work, run, write, maintain perfect organization even while living out of a suitcase, the crossword, etc. etc. etc.), has made this chaotic week seem like paralysis.

Sometimes, this one woman show, can only do so much. So this evening, although I've laid my clothes out for work and written my usual to-do's for the day, I'm taking a deep breath, drinking a large glass of malbec, and (trying to) accept that if not everything gets done, the world will remain unchanged.

the end.