Diary of a Backyard Conspiracy

I must say, I have quite the love-hate relationship with my backyard. Instead of the lush lawn the front yard boasts, this xeriscaped quarter-of-an-acre backyard is a fenced-in desert paradise boasting its own oleander, bougainvillea, agave and saguaro cacti. And just for good measure, it produces aloe vera plants because, well, it gets hot here. The likelihood of one getting a sunburn is less a likelihood and more a guarantee.

But despite the love and aspiration I have for my backyard, I'm beginning to get more and more creeped out by select findings over the course of six months.

It all started with a couple threatening magnets.

What the two refrigerator magnets "death" and "skin" were doing lodged into the earth of my backyard was beyond me. Despite my trepidation, I proceeded to make as much light of the situation as possible and took the magnets inside with me, adorning them safely to my refrigerator.

One month later, I was troubled to uncover this...


What we have here, is a murder weapon perceivably as old as the 1914 home. While this may seem ancient, don't be fooled. Tools were made much more durable in the early 1900's, and is still very much an functional axe. Note: this was discovered alongside a shovel, rake and a hoe. To me though, does it make you feel any more safe that this is even available? 


And while murder was fresh on the brain, it wasn't even a few weeks that I uncovered this casualty.

It was this point that I started to get considerably unsettled.

It had been several months after the bird massacre, and no backyard activity. Things started to seem in order again, which as in most cases, is when the "baseball" strikes.

That brings us to last week. Admittedly, a baseball isn't the most obscure item to be found in one's backyard. What should be noted, however, is the percentage of children that live in my neighborhood (zero) and the likelihood that any of my current neighbors would toss a baseball around (less than zero). Which means, we're looking at a failed attempt to break a window, a "left behind" of somebody who had trespassed over the fence and is now hiding in the crawl-space of the home, some sort of poisonous or explosive decoy, or a camera disguised as a baseball. And what are the squiggles?

I'm on my guard, people. Good thing I have an axe.