i swear on good beer, i will never drive a space shuttle van

My friend Neil, who possesses an impressive and plentiful trivia knowledge base (President Obama, sailor men, coolant, HTML coding, hot dogs, etc.) said to me the other day while discussing the societal constructs of what it means to drive a minivan, " I equate driving a minivan without kids in tow, and as a man, to having no penis."

Yes, we were in the car...on camelback - stuck behind a blockade of rude vans. One step back...

We then got into a curious discussion about minivans as a whole. Please take no offense to the fact that I have very random yet specific items in my life in which I choose to place a decent amount of my time and effort into hating (ginger babies, peanut butter, the Eagles, wrestling, etc.). It just so happens, that minivans (ahem, Honda Odysseys) have now made the list. The primary argument is this - those driving them (mostly moms who have proven to be careless drivers), don't really want to be driving them in the first place. They don't do it out of a desire/love of the car. It's pure practicality or necessity. Thus, in general, I don't find myself fond of items that others own and dislike. Further, I've found that many women, continue to drive these beasts years after the "need" has grown and been shipped off to college, even law school. Am I missing something?

The thing is, I equate minivans to a few things that I tend to be unsupportive of: slow, off balance, shaky rounding of curve capability; the distinct smell of frosted flakes and cheetos melted into the interior and cracks of the seats; midnight blue interior and wooden paneling; tires with no tread; sticky cupholders; sticky fingers.

I think I'll let my [newfound] horror of the van soak in, and allow for another heated discussion with my know-it-all conundrum pal Neil. Then I'll really cut loose.

Until then - there's moving (in two days), preparing for Panama (in 10 days), an impossible and yet mandatory pile of work to complete (already overdue), tuberculosis of the toe to cure (just in general) and well - goodbyes to be said. My dear girl Kate will be departing Phoenix in under 72 hours.